Saturday, November 25, 2017

2017 in progress

Man. This year.

At least, unlike 2016, we knew going in that this year was gonna be hard. We just didn't know what kind of hard that would be and look like but now that we're at the end of November, I feel so full of WE DID IT WE ARE ALMOST DONE WITH TWENTY SEVENTEEN. AAAAAAA-MEN.

Without further ado, a progress report:

1. Learn to relinquish control over things and try to be less stressed about it. Wear my necklace and my mantra bands.  
I suck at this dudes. The damn intention jewelry tarnishes. Need to wear the bands more though. 

2. Do two yoga workshops.
I did one. Which, I'll take it. This year was ridiculous. 

In June, I did a yin workshop to help me since I spent the month subbing a ton of restorative classes. It was amazing and a huge win for me to learn a totally different side of yoga. 
3. Read 20 books.
I need to count again but I think I did it! 

4. Not feel like I overate too much over the holidays when next year's NYE rolls around.
I'm down about 20 lbs from last January. I still have some work to do but my goal is still the same, to not just destroy my body on holidays. So far, I survived Thanksgiving.

5. Help Owen learn the alphabet and some basic math since he's obsessed with numbers.
He's doing so well! 5 day a week school helps with a ton of that so I can't take too much credit but we try to work on math with him as much as we can. 

6. Help Owen to learn to swim better.
I enrolled him in these totally bananas swim lessons that we GODAWFUL FOR ME (he was fine but the teacher was SO STRICT and LADY, this kid is not the next Michael Phelps, sorry not sorry). Will do them again next year. He's great in the pool now. Swimming A+! 

7. Save money for our house projects, mainly the electrical ones.
We got the electrics all fixed up. Now we focus on projects for selling. 

8. Work on the outdoor landscaping.
F minus here. It's hard to care about a house where A) squirrels eat everything and B) you're going to sell it in a hot minute. This was a sad choice of a goal since about 2 weeks in to January we realized "We're Moving!" 

9. Do a low buy in January and in July.
I highly doubt I did this. Either month. I was the worst. 

10. Go on a family trip at some point, even if it's just a staycation.
NAILED IT! We went to Utah to see Adam's parent's new house. We staycationed at the Anatole with my mom in Dallas. We went to Mexico just the three of us. 

11. Save up for better season tickets for both the theatre and hockey.
We ended up not doing theater because the shows kind of sucked! We have similarish tickets for hockey but slightly better. 

12. Pay only in cash for Adam's MBA.
CURRENTLY NAILING THIS! Despite having a semester with no company reimbursement. We are still loan free and he is SO. DAMN. CLOSE. to being done. 

13. Make 1-2 extra mortgage payments.
oops. didn't care about this at all since we'll be selling soon. sorry, not sorry.

14. Make 1-2 extra 4Runner payments.
PAID. IT. OFF. in Feb. BOOYEAH. Crushed it. 

15. Save more money for Christmas this year.
Adam's new pay structure changed the game for us but we're fine. It's Nov 25th and I'm 99% done shopping so... 

16. Do at least one class per month for myself (yoga or barre).
I joined Peak Zone and did a ton of group personal training this year and then my friend opened a barre studio so now I do that several times a week. I also did a lot more yoga this year for myself. I'd say A+++ nailed it on this goal! I'm so happy! 

17. Be more generous with my time, money and friendship.
This is such a hard goal for me to quantify. I'm not sure I did any of this because things worked out so differently for me than we'd anticipated. I have gotten a lot closer to people I already knew, so I guess that Is an ok with generosity of friendship but I definitely almost immediately tell people we're moving to Houston so it helps me to keep somewhat of an armslength of distance between new friends. It's been such a struggle. We also have less money on a month to month so I think I am less generous in many ways. In time, I'm able to volunteer a little more and have dipped into that. I think once we move in 2018, I'll be able to do more with that. I think maybe C+ here overall?


Thursday, December 29, 2016

17 for '17

1. Learn to relinquish control over things and try to be less stressed about it. Wear my necklace and my mantra bands.

2. Do two yoga workshops.

3. Read 20 books.

4. Not feel like I overate too much over the holidays when next year's NYE rolls around.

5. Help Owen learn the alphabet and some basic math since he's obsessed with numbers.

6. Help Owen to learn to swim better.

7. Save money for our house projects, mainly the electrical ones.

8. Work on the outdoor landscaping.

9. Do a low buy in January and in July.

10. Go on a family trip at some point, even if it's just a staycation.

11. Save up for better season tickets for both the theatre and hockey.

12. Pay only in cash for Adam's MBA.

13. Make 1-2 extra mortgage payments.

14. Make 1-2 extra 4Runner payments.

15. Save more money for Christmas this year.

16. Do at least one class per month for myself (yoga or barre).

17. Be more generous with my time, money and friendship.

2016 Year In Review

*If you had told me on January 1 that all of this stuff would happen, I'd have laughed in your face. This year was ridiculous in nearly every way.*

1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?
Bought a house! this was the big, exciting change we had this year although it was in many ways frustrating, anti-climactic (I was expecting the HGTV closing and ours was so lame), and really stressful.  

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I sucked. Totally sucked.  Yes, will make new goals for next year and try to not suck as much. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes and no? I mean I'm kind of in that stage of life where lots of friends are having babies.  

4. Did anyone close to you die?
A wonderful friend from our church passed away this year.  

5. What countries did you visit?
none this year, which makes me really sad.  This will probably be the same answer in 2017.  

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you didn't have in 2016?
more mental peace, which I hope in turn will bring me more and better sleep.  I spent a lot of nights having trouble sleeping or having totally awful dreams.  

7. What dates from 2016 will be etched upon your memory, and why?
June 14th, we closed on the house
October 26th, Adam was laid off

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
I got certified to teach interval bootcamp style classes last December and it significantly changed things for me because I am now able to sub for almost any type of class.  I spent a lot more time at the gym teaching people, which meant a lot more income for me.  Since we treat most of my yoga money as fun money, it meant a lot of really cool things for us, like season tickets to the theatre and partial season tickets for Dallas Stars hockey.  

9. What was your biggest failure?
Handling stress.  

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My foot bothered me for the entire year, off and on.  It's in a better feeling period of time now so I don't want to wax on about it but I do not recommend going to the type of physical therapy that makes you cry because of the pain on the week your husband loses his job. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The two packages of season tickets. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Adam, who handled his lay off like a champion, started school and got a 4.0, worked his butt off and is just an all-around A+ individual.  

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Trump voters.  And anyone who thinks they "voted for the babies" when they voted him.  I unfriended/unfollowed a lot of people this year.  

14. Where did most your money go?
The house, new furniture for the house, paying off Adam's undergrad loan and I just added up how much money we saved this year toward the MBA and I'm kind of shocked.  We crushed it and hopefully can pay for the entire degree (minus any company tuition reimbursement (fingers crossed) in cash). 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
not living in our horrible former house anymore with our HORRIBLE HOARDER NEIGHBOR

16. What song will always remind you of 2016?
I just heard on the radio that Twenty One Pilot's "Stressed Out" was the number one this year and that is JUST SO APPROPRIATE.  

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) way sadder
b) way, way fatter
c) neither.  we hope Adam is back at work by Feb. 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
travel

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
cried or just generally being sad or angry

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas was a lot like all of the other holidays of 2016 (Easter was cold and rainy, Owen had an eye infection on Halloween, my dad got sick on Thanksgiving) and we had 35 people RSVP and either cancel last minute or just not show up to our Christmas Eve tamale people so I went to bed crying.  I would like a refund on the 2016 holidays. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2016?
with our house and especially our fireplace

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Mr. Selfridge's.  We started watching it on Prime and it is a delight. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Oh yes.  Basically any of the higher ups that are still at Adam's company.  I also have had a hard time reconciling people who I really feel abandoned by.  It's been a hard year and it's funny how people disappear from your life when the times get hard. 

24. What was the best book you read?
I started a bunch of stuff this year and didn't like much of any of it so I'm not sure that I finished an entire book? Maybe I read one when we went to Phoenix in Feb but I cannot remember. I didn't do any book clubs and I've just had such a terrible headspace for getting lost in a book this year. 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
St. Motel Radio on Pandora

26. What did you want and get?
a new house and lots of beautiful new furnishings that we saved up for years for 

27. What did you want and not get?
a trip out of the USA, a job for Adam before the holidays

28. What was your favorite film of 2015?
The Secret Life of Pets, we took Owen and all loved it

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 35 this year on a Monday.  I did my normal teach two classes in the morning and teach two in the early evening.  Adam had a final presentation at school that night so I ate pizza and watched TV. It was just appropriate and I had no expectations for it being special this year, so there was no disappointment. 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Adam getting a job sooner.  I almost said not getting laid off but I think that being away from that dumpster fire is going to work out just fine in the future, even if it did make the last two months of our lives suck a little more. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2016?
"I just came from class and therefore am wearing workout wear"

32. What kept you sane?
craft beer (and this is why I am way way fatter this year) 

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
We went to the G W Bush library and I cried.  I'd give anything to have that man back and I was not his biggest fan while he was in office.  It was just a simpler time.  

34. Who did you miss?
friends that live too far away. my grandmother. 

35. Who was the best new person you met?

maybe this is a part of my problem.  I'm going over new friends in my head and I knew all of them before 2016 so I think a goal will be to have a really good answer for this next year.  

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.
I really don't know.  I am not sure I learned any life lessons through the house buying or layoffs.  I knew in both instances that being in the middle of it would suck but it didn't make it hurt any less or feel any less stressful.  I just spent a lot of this year being really sad about things I couldn't control, despite knowing that I wouldn't always feel that way.  I guess, if anything, this year reinforced for me that time does heal wounds.  I'm also trying to take away from this year that I need to let go when everything is spiraling out of control around me and try to just ride the wave to wherever it takes me. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

2016 in progress

I was telling someone about LASIK yesterday and came back here for my full write up to send along and was confronted by the reality that I have done NOTHING on my to do list.  So, here we are on 10/25 with how things are shaking down and my excuses (WOMP WOMP WOMP).

1. Be more present. I even got a bracelet to remind me of it.  my bracelet fell off because I was dumb and bought the turquoise one even though it was made with the string instead of leather. I think it lasted until April. I don't think it helped me to be more present. I've probably done worse than ever this year. 

2. Get another certification this year.  This is probably not happening in 2016. I got pretty close to doing a Plyoga certification but we had some unfortunate stuff going on this month so I didn't want to commit the money at the time. 

3. Read 35 books.  um. I don't think I've read a single book this year. I don't even have a good excuse.  I've wasted way too much reading time reading about this stupid election. 

4. Not feel like I overate too much over the holidays when next year's NYE rolls around.  So, we've come to one that I can manage to not screw up, right? Ha. No. It's not even the holidays yet and I am far heavier than I want to be. It's awful. I spent October stress eating like a moron. 

5. Do a yoga workshop.  I have made no time for this. I don't even have a good excuse. 

6. Run two half marathons.  Once again, I've made no time for this. My foot has been nagging me for a bit but I haven't put in any mileage. I haven't even run a 5K. God, this list is so depressing. 

7. Expand my garden, especially tomatoes.  OOOH OOH I have a good excuse for this one! When I wrote this, we had no intention of moving. Then in January we decided to make that happen this year so I did only container gardening for the most part. The new neighborhood has terrible squirrels so I won't be doing anything other than herbs for the unforeseeable future. 

8. Leave the country, at least once.  I just had no idea how expensive an MBA would be. My dream of going abroad once a year has been crushed. 

9. Redo our guest room.  I DID ONE THING ON MY LIST YES! 

10. Help Owen learn the alphabet.  Ha. I suck. Still holding out hope that school will handle this for me. 

11. Do a no buy for the month of June.  In June we moved and I spent many, many thousands of dollars so HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA.  But I did really well from end-April until we closed on the house June 14th. 

12. Pay off the student loan and not have to finance anything for Adam's MBA.  So far, so good! Although I was just so naive about how much school was going to cost.  Everything extra has gone to the MBA this year. 

13. Save some of my yoga money this year.  I can't say I've done exceptionally well with this because I have no liquid savings to speak of that consists of yoga money but we have upped the contribution to my IRA and I started the non-profit equivalent of a 401K through the Y, so technically I am saving 10% of my pretax income so this was a draw. Really, this actually should go in the win column because I am pretty sure I will double my income in 2016 over 2015.  I spent a lot of it but at least the savings is all going straight to retirement. We also used yoga money for some really awesome stuff this year like theatre season tickets and a share in Dallas Stars season tickets. 

14. Start attacking the 4Runner payment.  This is another instance where the money required for the MBA program has squashed my dreams. (sob!)

15. Stay within the monthly budget every single month and use overage for travel.  Ha. My goodness I sucked at this.  I have to do better next year and also figure out how to deal with the fact that our water and electric bills were tripled since moving.  We moved into 700 extra square feet and now have an actual yard with a sprinkler system and paying double utilities for a month was really tough on my budgeting.  We also had to pay to transfer almost every type of service to the new house, that SUUUUUCKED.  

16. Fully fund Christmas by October 31st.  I have 6 more days to do this and it is just not going to happen.  However, I made HUGE strides.  I'm probably halfway done with shopping and I have a significant budget in both November and December to work with so even though I didn't quite get there, I think we will finish the year feeling even better than we did in 2015.  


I would like to take a brief moment and mention that about a month after this was written, we completely changed our goals and decided to buy a house a year early.  So it's not all doom and gloom.  We'll have a year of payments under our belt (including 2 extra principal payments) by the time our original date to purchase a house rolls around.  We had all of our savings to furnish the house and stayed really, really close to budget while transforming our lives.  We're infinitely more happy in our new home and new neighborhood so I'm basically joking about not meeting all of my goals.  I had no idea what was in store for us when I was looking ahead to the year.  There is always 2017 for half marathons and yoga workshops and certifications.  We also had a lot of added stress this year.  I'm working double what I was before, Owen has been in school 3 days a week all year instead of 2, Adam started school and has had a promotion and a TON of work related stress to deal with, we MOVED which takes so so so so so so so much time.  It has been a wonderful and incredibly rewarding year but also a year of immense change and at times, struggles for all of us.  

Thursday, December 31, 2015

16 for '16

1. Be more present. I even got a bracelet to remind me of it.

2. Get another certification this year.

3. Read 35 books.

4. Not feel like I overate too much over the holidays when next year's NYE rolls around.

5. Do a yoga workshop.

6. Run two half marathons.

7. Expand my garden, especially tomatoes.

8. Leave the country, at least once.

9. Redo our guest room.

10. Help Owen learn the alphabet.

11. Do a no buy for the month of June.

12. Pay off the student loan and not have to finance anything for Adam's MBA.

13. Save some of my yoga money this year.

14. Start attacking the 4Runner payment.

15. Stay within the monthly budget every single month and use overage for travel.

16. Fully fund Christmas by October 31st.

2015 Year In Review

1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
left Owen for 9 days and left the country without taking him with us, took Owen out of the country with us, did a bootcamp certification, bought a car all by myself (!!!! that one was really fun and empowering), had my eyes lazered. 

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do resolutions but I do set goals and come up with a to do list each year. I did marginally ok on last year's list.  Oops. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES! lots of people did. I feel like I made approx 20 meals for people having babies this year, which was awesome. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I didn't attend a funeral this year so I consider myself to be incredibly lucky. (same as last year, woot!) 

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico! Ireland! 

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you didn't have in 2015?
more money in savings, I cleaned up my financial habits so, so, so, so, so much this year. I am hoping to rock that again this year and be able to save even more. 

7. What dates from 2014 will be etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb 20-23: 41 of us went to Playa del Carmen, Mexico to celebrate my Grandpa's 90th birthday. I hope that when I'm 90, I want to party it up in Mexico.  Grandpa stayed out later than all of us "kids" gambling at the casino.  He rocks. 
May 2: Owen's 2nd birthday party.  It was so great.
Dec 5: my birthday was a Saturday this year. Can it be a Saturday every year? No? Lame. I highly recommend having your birthday on a Saturday. 
Nov 6: We left for Ireland, which was such a trip of a lifetime and a totally unexpected addition to our year. I don't even have the words to describe just how amazing the trip was. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
I feel like 4 years in is really where I'm coming into my own as a yoga instructor.  I felt like classes were easier and more fun for me this year.  I teach at places that are full of amazing people that want to be there and bring me so much energy and joy.  It is the BEST job ever and I really live this totally killer life. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Parenting. I totally suck at it. Being a mom to a two year old is really hard, y'all.  

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major this year! WOO HOO! 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A trip to Ireland. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Adam, as always. He's a rock star dad and the hardest working human I know. He makes it possible for Owen and I to have all our fun. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Basically anyone and everyone who is running for president. They all appall me and the situation is utterly depressing. 

14. Where did most your money go?
Savings, rent, the child, travel, a new 4Runner

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my garden, Owen's school programs and watching him becoming a little boy, all of our trips

16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
Lay It All On Me by Rudimental, feat. Ed Sheeran.  They played it approx every hour while we were driving all over Ireland. I will always think of the countryside and our adventure whenever I hear it. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) happier
b) probably a titch fatter than last year, BOO. 
c) richer, I learned how to spend less this year. Yay budgets! 

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
walks around the neighborhood, time at the Arboretum

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
watching it rain. It rained way too much this year (we set basically every rain record ever)

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home, we had the same Bernardi/Breda crew and our tamale party was out of this world this year. It was warm out and we had people all over the house and yard. Christmas Eve was such an awesome day.

21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
yes, I fell in love with JoJo Moyes. I read a bunch of her stuff this year and she's such a fun author. (runner up: Liane Moriarty) 

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Unsolved Mysteries. We cut our cable this year but I discovered that it airs every day at 2:00 and marathons on Thursday night on one of the free channels. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

24. What was the best book you read?
Me Before You. Sob festival of goodness. 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Spotify's Discover Weekly, they give me a playlist every week based on my previous selections

26. What did you want and get?
International travel, eyeballs that are fixed! 

27. What did you want and not get?
Nothing. I continue to be a spoiled brat. 

28. What was your favorite film of 2014?
ha. I don't really watch movies. We got old school Disney Robin Hood for Owen for Christmas and that movie is so funny. Highly recommend.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
34 was awesome. Saturday birthdays are such winners!  I taught a class, did a spin class, got my nails done, went downtown to take Owen to Neiman Marcus for Santa, went to the Klyde Warren Park tree lighting, went to a crazy bar for a big birthday party with lots of friends. It was such a great day! 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
nothing! I feel pretty satisfied with the way things went. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2015?
yoga wear and leggings for life! 

32. What kept you sane?
Adam, yoga, learning how to save money and not being stressed about it

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
I am so happy with the Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage.  I'm 99% happy about it because it brings so many people happiness but the other 1% is ecstatic in a spiteful way because it makes hateful people mad. I realize this probably makes me a bad person but I do love infuriating evangelicals who have bastardized Christianity. 

34. Who did you miss?
friends that live too far away. my grandmother. 

35. Who was the best new person you met?

I knew her before this last year but I have a friend with an only child daughter who is Owen's age and we got to bond a lot and had a really good time this year becoming close friends. 

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.

How to budget! For reals, this was a game changer. Every Dollar is my boyfriend. 

Sunday, July 19, 2015

LASIK

I've had a couple of people ask about my experience getting Lasik done and I also figured I'd put it down here for posterity so I can look back.  In terms of incredibly odd experiences, it almost ranks up there with Owen's birth story although, praise be that this one took approximately 1.5 hours from check in to being sent home instead of a marathon of 19 hours of hellacious Pitocin labor.

Anyhoo, the back story is such:  I first started having trouble with my vision at the end of second grade but I think my teachers were dense so they just moved me to the front of the classroom instead of, you know, telling my parents and/or encouraging me to see an eye doctor.  I think it was only about a week into the third grade when I really couldn't see the chalkboard anymore so I got my first pair of (hideous, late '80s, pink) glasses when I was the ripe old age of 9.  I think I was 12 when I started wearing contact lenses.  I've always worn soft lenses and rarely have I had any issues with them.  My prescription was the same from probably ages 15-30 (always -8, both eyes).  Recently, my eyes got a titch worse (-9 and -9.5) but since this past February, I started having major issues with my contacts.  I was getting dry eye in both eyes.  This involves the day starting out normally but by lunch time, experiencing a little cloudiness in my vision and by evening, not really being able to see well out of whatever eye was experiencing the dry eye that day.  Rewetting drops helped but I started dreading the dry eye because when I would lay down to go to sleep, my eye would start making tears in overdrive (tears do not really help a dry eye, unfortunately) and then my whole face would run in response and I'd have to lay down for a few minutes, experience a ton of sinus pressure, sit up, wipe my eyes, blow my nose, try to lay down again and so on until I fell asleep an hour or so later.  It was NOT GOOD.  I believe that perhaps I got a bad box of contacts because all of this started happening after I went to the cheapy eye doctor.  (IDIOT.)

The final straw was on Father's Day.  I had this epic battle royale with my stupid contact in my left eye and could not get it in.  I must have dropped it at least ten times and into the sink a couple of times.  I was cleaning it constantly with contact solution but I somehow introduced some bacteria in my eye and got an infection.  I was ok for the rest of Sunday but by Monday night, I couldn't hold my eye open and my entire face was again running in response to the massive amount of tears being made by my infected eye.  I found a legit MD eye doctor (no more cheapy quack shack) and went to get treated.  The infection went away but I had to go for a week with no contacts.  They mentioned Lasik to me while I was there, but I just brushed it aside as I've done for the 20 years that people have been mentioning it to me.  Lasers in my eyes, no thanks!

On the way home from my appointment, I decided to call them back and just see if I'd even be a candidate for Lasik.  Turns out to do the first appointment, you have to be without contact lenses for a week (HOW CONVENIENT) and if my infection cleared up, I could do the consult at the same time as my follow up appointment.  A week later, I did the initial testing and found out that my corneal thickness was satisfactory and I'd make a great candidate.  My appointment with the cornea specialist was scheduled for two weeks later (you have to be without contacts for that same time period- GAH) and Lasik for the end of that next week.  It all happened so fast that I just didn't really think about it.  I also was so over the constant dry eye, the infection and the battles I was having with my contact lenses.  Enough was enough.

The only thing about the pre-operative work was that I was unprepared to have my eyes dilated and do the stupid eye tests ("Jennifer, which is more clear, 1 or 2? 2 or 6? 6 or 4?" SON OF A B.) several times and ended up with a million headaches.  The pre-op testing was tedious and frustrating but I get why there is so much of it. A freaking laser cut my eye and then another one reshaped it, the entire thing was bananas.  The morning that I met the surgeon, I was hideously nervous and nauseated.  I almost threw up.  I did actually get sick the day before my procedure.  I was incredibly anxious.  They told me at the pre-op that if I needed it, they would give me some Valium (spoiler alert: they must have decided I didn't need it).

The morning of my Lasik, Adam took me to my appointment.  I was nervous/excited/scared/overwhelmed by the whole thing.  The nurses were wonderful, they put a hairnet on me and started me on the numbing eyedrops.  We chatted for a bit and the patient before me was getting Lasik done so I was able to hear what the machines sound like and hear that it only takes less than a minute for each part for each eye.  They walked me in the room and laid me on the bed.  I think that this point, I realized that I wasn't going to be put in a straightjacket (ha!) and I felt a little less freaked out.  They handed me a squeeze ball and I know I was tense and stiff as a board.  My doctor was wonderful and he and the main nurse talked me through every single step.  The first part is where the laser cuts a flap in your cornea.  Beforehand, they said that would be the worst part (it totally wasn't! so easy!).  The doctor puts a ring over your eye that applies pressure so at some point you lose eyesight.  For me, that made this part incredibly easy.  I just laid there, my eye that wasn't being cut was taped shut and I just saw stars in the other eye, basically.  It was peaceful and that is the part that is shorter, closer to 30 seconds per eye, maybe.  They did the right eye and then moved on to my left eye.  I was tense but mainly because I didn't know what was to come and deep down I think I still had doubts that it would actually work!

The second part was, by far, the worst, because you have sight for the entire part.  The doctor first takes the flap and lifts it, cleans the eye (I assume? all I know is that there was a crapton of eye drops put into my eye at this point), gets it to where you cannot blink and then sets you up for the laser.  I was just starting into a blinking orange light that was surrounded by black.  At this point the laser lowers and starts.  It sounds like guns going off and I could see purple in my peripheral vision.  I was too scared to do anything, moving-wise, and my doctor held my head in place.  The main nurse had a countdown going and the doctor just soothingly held me and told me nice things and reminded me to look at the target and hold my head still and so on and so forth.  It was creepy, I could see the orange light coming into better focus but before I knew it, that eye was done and they taped it up to start on my left eye.  I started to briefly panic at that point because I knew what was to come for my second eye.  One thing that I had read beforehand and was worried about was the smell, the second laser that reshapes the eye smells kind of funny and I expected to be more overwhelmed by it but it was really a non-issue for me.  So again, I think each eye with the second laser was 58 seconds each so it was all over incredibly fast.  Next thing I knew, the nurse took the blanket off of me and sat me up and told me I could open my eyes.

I don't think I was prepared for that moment, I didn't realize how instantaneous the change would be.  I could see the nurse!  Before I went in, I had to walk up to my doctor and get in his face before I could recognize him.  Now I could see.  I shed a few tears, they gave me some goggles (that I get to sleep in for a week) and more instructions and sent me on my merry way.  They warned me to only use my eyes to get to the car and then again from the car to my bed and then go straight to sleep.  I was unprepared for how bad my head would hurt when it was over.  My eyes were making tears (such a constant theme here) and my nose was running again.  It took me awhile to get to sleep because of all the pressure in my head.  It said on the post-op paperwork that I could have requested some better meds than OTC painkillers so that is really my only regret with the entire thing.

I woke up from my nap and things were cloudy (kind of like a mild dry eye, so nothing I wasn't used to) for the rest of the day but for the most part, I could see well enough to watch TV but not play on the phone for more than a couple of minutes.  The next morning, other than having the sleep goggles on, I woke up feeling like a normal person.  48+ hours later, I feel normal and I keep forgetting I even had it done.  I was not expecting how fast the change would be.  At my follow up 24 hours later, I was seeing 20/15.  I kind of feel like I experienced a miracle.

But as I said on instagram, for the entire actual procedure the main thoughts running through my head were:

- Who the hell came up with this idea?
- Who were the guinea pigs for the first Lasik procedures?

I really felt like it was this out of body, freak of nature experience.  I still can't believe that I had it done! I still don't know that I would have ever considered it without the major issues I was having.  The dry eye had gotten to the point where it was really affecting my life, especially driving at night or teaching my evening class.  If my contacts were still agreeing with me, I'd still be wearing them.  Lasik was scary and most definitely not covered by insurance.  But if you're having issues or considering it, I highly recommend!