Busy Bees

From the looks of my Facebook feed, I'm not the only person who feels like time is flying by right now.  Several people were commenting on the CRAZY fact that it's now the month of May and it got me to pondering... how has this happened?  It's almost summer.  We have our 150 mile bike ride in 4 days (FOUR DAYS!).  It hit me this morning that at this time last year, I was just starting the process of so many life changes.  According to this here blogging record, May 1st last year was when my dad and Adam had a big talk about me needing to seek out some therapy and snap out of my winter funk/grief depression.  It blows my mind to remember just how unhappy I was at the time.  May was a big month for me in 2011, I started seeing my therapist and signed up for yoga school.  I started logging every yoga practice I went to and became the slave to my hours spreadsheet for the 200 hour certification.  Oh, the many hours I spent pouring over that spreadsheet and preparing my schedule!  

This year, I have a great job that I love, three regular yoga classes with students that inspire me and Higgins is the little ray of sunshine every time Adam and I walk in the door to our apartment, which we love.  We went to dinner on Sunday night and found our selves getting a little big retrospective about how good we have it right now.  We're challenged and happy in our work, love exploring Dallas and the surrounding areas and we're steadily making more friends and finding our place here.  We did our first bike rally last weekend (that was another benefit of working for Adam's company) in Muenster, which is about 86 miles north of Dallas.  Riding on the hilly country roads was beautiful, I only wish my pictures had saved.  I tried to remember to savor the views of the wildflowers when I was either slowly making my way up a hill or flying on the downhills.  It was incredible and to think, I used to be horrified of ever getting on a road bike!  After the 40 mile ride, we were also given admission passes and beer tickets to Muenster's Germanfest.  There hasn't been a single day that I've ever regretted this big move and all the changes that have come with it, but a few days stick out in my mind as reminding me just how lucky I am that it came together this way.  Walking around Germanfest, mingling with random townspeople and Adam's co-workers, I was just struck by how much it reminded me of my own childhood.  It wasn't quite the same as walking a few blocks to a local street festival in Chicago, but these little country fairs in the middle of nowhere are what I grew up with and I'm thankful that our kid will one day have the same types of experiences.  I'm already researching more rides like that one that end near fairgrounds and festivals, it was a great experience.  

I spent most of today booking our big trip for 2012, which will be a big jog down the East Coast from Boston to DC by way of New York City.  We're tacking this on to a wedding in Chicago so it will be 4 cities in 10 days and we'll get to see quite a few family and friends.  I'm thankful that my teaching has afforded us the opportunity to take great trips and make the most of our vacation time.  True to form, I spent hours researching the best possible deals and I'm stoked with what we ended up with.  

Life is good and I'm thankful to have had a few moments to stop and smell the roses lately.

oops...

I don't know how to tell you this, but I am not running the Big D full marathon in 2 weeks.  I'll just be doing the half.  I started out so gung-ho about tackling 26.2 again, I honestly gave it the old college try.  In January, things were so busy that training kept taking a back seat to life and Adam and I went to run our first loop around White Rock on the same day that our friends that were training for a different full (the Cowtown in Feb) were doing 2 laps.  We saw them around 11 miles in and again when they were almost done.  Between watching that and having my own internal struggles for the 9 miles I was doing, I remembered just how time consuming and hard that training for a full is.  I've said it many times but I'm just happy doing half marathons.  I don't have to put in a ton of time training since my fitness level always stays pretty high and I know that running a full will almost certainly set me back from my goal to break 2 hours in the half by October.  When your lung capacity is handicapped, breaking 2 hours is a HUGE DEAL and I really want to do it.

I came close in January.  We ran the 3M Half in Austin at the end of the month and I finished in 2:05:58.  I wasn't setting out to break two there, I mostly wanted to get a new PR.  I did, by a lot!  My previous best was 2:22:00 at Virginia Beach in 2009 and my last 3M was 2:35.  I was happy to have knocked so much time off but I still have to figure out how to get rid of those last 5 minutes and 59 seconds.

We ran Cowtown in February and my training wasn't where I'd like it to be, but Cowtown is not going to be my PR race.  It's hillier in the last few miles and it was a pretty tough course.  I think my time was around 2:08-2:09 but I didn't pay that close of attention since it wasn't anywhere near my PR.  There's a long hill up to downtown Fort Worth at Mile 9 and it took me most of Mile 10 to get my breathing back under control.  I did see the lululemon cheering station and some of my pals during that time and it was at a point in the race where I really needed some smiling faces.

Big D is in two weeks and it might be our last half until the 13.1 in October, which is my A race for trying to go sub-2:00.  If I'm not able to do it then, I will probably look for a half in November and run White Rock in December.  The cooler it gets, the better my chances are.



Running hasn't been a big focus for me lately.  I've been busy re-tooling my yoga teaching schedule, adding and dropping some classes to make things work for my schedule and Adam's.  I had a moment when I realized that I wasn't devoting as much time to my own personal yoga practice that I'd like to so I've been going to quite a few more classes.  I have been doing cardio Pilates on the reformers an average of once a week and in February I started getting into spin.  In a perfect week, I'd have a good run, a good bike ride, 2-3 yoga classes and 2-3 other classes.  It's something I've been working toward, anyway.

We have the MS 150 ride coming up in May so I'm trying to spend more time on the bike.  I finally broke down and got a real road bike in February and it's changed my ride.  Through trial and error, I think I've come to the conclusion that clipping into the pedals is not going to work for my body.  If the shoes bother me in a 50 minute spin class, I don't think they'll work for 8 hours on the bike, two days in a row.  I just hit my fundraising goal on Monday, which was pretty exciting.  Now I just need to get my bike inspected and log some more hours in the saddle.  More on that for the next post.

Both of us have been busy trying to find a good work/life balance.  Adam is in his busy time at work and we're both striving to take on more tasks and leadership in our respective jobs.  He's been great helping my dad and me with our therapy cookbook project for Grandmother, which hopefully we'll be finishing up soon.

Higgins is still crazy.  We had his best friend, Dog, over a couple of weeks ago and left the two of them home together in our bedroom to see if Higgins would be ok without humans around.  He ended up digging/eating some holes in the carpet in our bedroom.  At first I was pretty mad at him but by the end of the night, I was mostly just upset that he doesn't seem to find comfort in having another dog around when we aren't at home.  He'll just have to continue being crated and going to day care for long days.  I think in my mind, I thought getting a second dog would be a band-aid for his issues.  It's hard because we have no idea why he has such severe separation anxiety and no real way to fix the problem.  He has a pretty great trick routine down since our vet recommended working on tricks and obedience training with him on our last visit.  It's made him a lot calmer about being crated and he very rarely cries when we put him in anymore.

Hopefully it won't be three months until I write in this space again!  This also reminds me that I probably should consider taking a few more pictures to document our current adventures.

round 2

So... I'm going to do another marathon.





I swore up and down that I'd be a one and done person but the woman's pain forgettal clause* has gotten to me and thoughts of running 26.2 again have crept up in my mind for awhile now.

*The woman's pain forgettal clause is the thing that automatically represses a woman's memories of pain.  We have to have it or else every woman would probably just have one kid.  Unless of course you are one of those people that sits down on the toilet to go and has an unexpected baby, like on that freaky TLC show.  Either way, the forgettal clause has allowed me to forget that the marathon and training were pretty darn painful.

Also, I'm stubborn and now that I am in better shape (dare I say the best shape of my life at 30?), I'd like to actually run the marathon instead of tooting along at my previously snail's pace.  Ideally, I'd like to shave about 45 minutes off of my previous PR (5:44:00) to end up finishing in under 5 hours.

One of my co-workers signed up and Adam's company is paying for it so there is really no time like the present, amiright?

If you're down, there will be copious brunch eating and drinking after the race on April 15th here in Dallas.  It might not be as scenic as Chicago but I don't think I have it in me to travel for a marathon.  There's something comforting about being able to sleep the night before in your own bed and take the epic post-race nap in the same spot.

the Sundry meme

This year-end recap quiz is pretty much an internet staple.  I'm tackling it for the first time.  Here goes nothing:


1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Moved back to Texas, which I've done before but this move was so much more complicated because it involved moving another person.  Related:  had paid movers for the first time.  On the awesome side of things, we adopted a dog, I was a matron of honor in a wedding, I saw a therapist and did yoga teacher training.  On the decidedly crappier side of things, we listed the condo, fired a realtor and worked with a relocation company to re-list it (and it's still, sadly, on the market).

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


I didn't make resolutions but I did make more of a to-do list.  The one that sticks out to me the most was that I had written down "Start looking into yoga school and possibly start training".  I never imagined that life would take me to the point of registering in May.

This year, I have a lot of lofty goals that include being in a management position by March and having 3 permanent classes at 3 different/gyms and studios.  I'm well on my way to both of those things.  I'm also going to PR a full marathon and knock 22 minutes off my Half Marathon PR to finish in under two hours.  I have some fundraising goals related to the MS 150 that we're riding in May.  It's going to be a busy Spring.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


Yes and no.  I mean, no one that we see on a fairly regular basis but two of my old friends had babies this year.  Congrats Sheila and Mary Emma!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Adam's grandma passed away in November, which was pretty sad because the funeral was at a time when I couldn't go.

5. What countries did you visit?
Unbelievably, this is the first year since 2007 when I don't have anything to add to the list.  The last time I left the US was in November 2010.  Bummer.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

I already feel like I'm on the way to having the stability that my 2011 so completely lacked.  It's only January 5th, so that is fabulous.  I feel like I spent the first 9 months of the year being stressed about our eventual move to Texas and then the last 3 months with a lot of job insecurity.  Things are looking up!

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

September 5th.  The day we moved here.  September 6th, when Adam and I walked into a car dealership and walked out with a brand new car, which we then drove to the pound and met Higgins for the first time.  Everything else this year is almost trivial to those two life-changing days.  I'll always remember this as a good Christmas though.  It was just good and peaceful.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


The biggest achievement of this year was probably Adam's.  He got a great job here in Dallas after a long search and a few interviews/offers that just didn't pan out.  He rolled with the disappointments and grew as a person from the entire experience.  For me, it was definitely August 7th, when I passed my tests and officially became a 200-HR registered yoga teacher.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I definitely sucked as a person for pretty much the first four months of the year.  I was either unemployed or totally miserable in my job and mired in some pretty deep grief that I didn't know how to get out of.  I'm thankful that my family was supportive and eventually pushed me toward therapy.  It was huge.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?


I almost waxed on about how I've been relatively healthy except for a freak summer sinus infection, except then I remembered that I had the bulging discs from hell in my lumbar spine and was pretty much sidelined for a few months from my normal routine.

11. What was the best thing you bought?


Well, we did have to pay for his adoption fee and then we spend money on the little sucker all the time so the winner is, obviously, HIGGINS.  He's been the best swipe of the ole credit card of 2011.  Runner up is definitely the Santa Fe.  I never thought I'd be able to drive a brand new car in my life, it was just really exciting.  I love that car, despite the recent NorthPark parking garage run in where I injured her.


12. Where did most of your money go?

The mortgage/related fees, moving (although we did get help with a lot of that), Higgins, rent, car payments, teacher training and related yoga memberships and now my lululemon wardrobe is currently the main money suck.

13. What did you get really excited about?


Moving, teaching yoga, my job, running with our awesome running group.


14. What song will always remind you of 2011?


Probably anything by Adele, Mumford and Sons and LMFAO.  I'm obsessed with Party Rock Anthem and I'm Sexy and I Know It.  Don't hate.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:



– happier or sadder? um.  Dumb question.  Obviously, exponentially happier.
– thinner or fatter?  Just a titchy-poo thinner.  Only because I was a real fatass at this time last year.
– richer or poorer?  Depending on how you look at things, both richer and poorer.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?



Travel.  We sucked at that this year.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?



Being sad and/or stressed about things I can't change.  Watching TV.  Being unemployed (almost 3 months-ish in 2011).  Putting things off instead of just living life- I think the stability thing will help with that this year.

18. How did you spend Christmas?


In San Antonio for two whirlwind days.  I'll have to plan a little bit better for next year.  It was good though, I had all the food I could handle, tons of great family time and I got everything I wanted and a little bit more.


19. What was your favorite TV program?


Probably the Today Show, sadly.  I love drinking my coffee and hanging out with Matt, Ann, Al and Natalie.  And also making fun of the stories they do on Twitter.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?


I sucked at reading this year.  It was on my to-do list and I really dropped the ball.  My favorite book was definitely Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic, which was one of the required texts for teacher training.  I started reading it at a time when I had just been going to therapy and figuring out that I was holding on to all of these attachments to feelings and things in my life for really obnoxious amounts of time.  There were parts when it was really yoga-spiritually and kind of overwhelming but mostly it was easy to understand and grasp the concepts and then actually apply them to the things I was going through in life.


21. What was your favorite music from this year?


I'm a total tool but I love having XM in the Santa Fe.  I love cranking up BPM (the techno-ish gay club music channel) when I'm driving around in Dallas insanity.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?


I always suck about movies, I just don't have the patience but Adam and I did go and see Moneyball at the theater together, which I really liked.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 30 this year.  Adam took me to a fabulous night before dinner at Fearing's at the Ritz Carlton, where we pretended we totally belonged instead of being the crazy misfits that we were.  We both took the actual day off and spent it Christmas shopping, which turned out to be really fun.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?


The obvious answer would have been moving back to Texas at the first of the year, instead of being in Chicago for another totally craptastic winter (complete with a fabulous-while-it-happened-but-the-aftermath-was-awful blizzard).  But I can't say I'd change anything that happened this year.  Looking back on it now, everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Yoga clothes 24/7.  It's comfortable and I LOVE IT.  I'm a yoga teacher, it works for me.

26. What kept you sane?

Twitter-  I started using right at the first of the year during a big weight loss challenge started by my fabulous friend, Jennie (which holycrap I totally needed at the time).  The people I follow range from celebrities to fellow weight-loss people that I've never even met and it's been a constant source of laughter, venting, etc.  It's kind of like Facebook without all the sugar-coating that people do over there. 27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.


I learned how to get over my sadness when the bad things in life happen.  I think it finally hit me that things do just happen to people, good things, sucky things, all kinds of things.  I had to learn that there are lots of things in life that I can control, but the most important thing is controlling my attitude toward all the things that happen.  It was a lesson in letting go of all of the attachments that I had to various events and emotions, something that I probably already knew but I needed a big reminder of that this year.  

and this is why you should set goals.

In October, we were riding in the car, which at the time was HORRIFICALLY uncomfortable for me because sitting hurt my low back so badly.  I was in treatment at the chiropractor and miserable about it.  I told Adam that my goal was to get better by my birthday (Dec. 5th) because I didn't want to start year 30 with a hurty back.

He told me I was crazy and that setting a goal like that wasn't smart because I can't control my body and the healing process.

Obviously, I told him I thought that was dumb.  But at the time, I didn't have any reasoning behind it.  Now, after rehabilitating to the point where I think I'm at about 98% (every now and then I'll feel a little twinge but it's nothing like the 24 hour a day pain I was having for so long), I can say that he was completely and unequivocally wrong.

The body responds when you have a goal and a timeline.  My goal was in such a tight timeline that it convinced me to seek out physical therapy and find doctors and a PT that were more in line with my body philosophy, rather than wasting thousands of dollars getting "stretched out" on a chiropractic table. It helped me to get back into my yoga practice and to use it in more of a healing way.  I'm no medical professional but I think a lot of pain is your mind's reaction to what the body is feeling.  By taking a more proactive approach to the pain and healing, it was much easier to deal with and eventually recover. If I hadn't set my own timeline and goal, I'd probably still be visiting the chiropractor three times a week and feeling miserable.

Even if December 5th had come and gone and I were still having issues, it would have been okay!  It's fine to occasionally not meet a goal.  The point is to strive for the impossible and to dream big.  No offense, husband, but I'm glad that I didn't let you discourage me in this case.  Having a positive attitude and my own deadline was precisely what I needed.

out with the old and in with the new

I've been awful about visiting this space lately!  It's been busy- I have been extremely full-time lately, teaching extra classes and picking up extra hours all over the place- and fitting in half marathon training (we have about a month and 10 days until our half in Austin), blogging, reading blogs and other free time pursuits have gone by the wayside.  My yoga practice is very heavily neglected right now.  But it's good.  It's awesome to look down at my watch and see that it's already December 19th.  I'd rather time fly by than to be bored.

I've been goal coached by several people lately, which is really fun and I think anyone can be a goal coach.  Sometimes you just need someone else to read what you put down on paper and have them tell you that they know you can dream a little bit bigger.  It's encouraging and I'm also learning that it's ok to not meet some of my goals on my timeline, the just writing it down and then taking the act of "going for it" is part of the bigger picture.

For 2012:

I will run a half marathon in under 2:00.  I figured out that I'd need to be a little under 9:15 miles to do so, which I think is in my reach.  Just finding the time to train hard for it is going to be the challenge.

I will develop my yoga practice enough to hold peacock pose (see picture in a previous post, it's redonkulous) for five breaths.

I will be a key leader on the leadership team at work.  This was a really tough one for me, I am really scared about the money handling and closing/opening the store but I know that I'll be trained to do so before the time actually comes to do it on my own.  Why not see where I can go in my career for now?
I will find another place to teach yoga and add another class to my week.

I will either run another full marathon or complete a Crossfit on ramp program, which will also tie into my goal to lose weight/inches.  If I do the marathon, my plan would be to attend Crossfit WODs twice a week for cross training.  I don't want to do the Paleo diet, but I do want to modify what I'm eating because I don't think it's working for me.

I will plan an awesome vacation for Adam and I.*

I will say yes to more and just DO things in 2012.*



*The last two are a little ambiguous still but after reviewing 2011, I feel like I spent a big portion of the year saying no to things.  We spent the first 6-7 months of the year saying no because we had no idea when or if a job offer would come and if we'd be moving from Chicago.  The rest of the year was spent in so much transition that we said no to a few more things (both big and small) and I was concerned about money when I wasn't working for so long.  We will hopefully continue to have job stability for 2012 and we both work hard enough to take a nice vacation.  When I look back at this year, I have no regrets and I am really grateful that I said yes to the biggest thing I did this year (yoga teacher training) but even that severely limited me for most of the summer and didn't allow me to do as much outside of it as I would have liked to.  Having Higgins has also given us some pause in doing a few things here in Dallas.  We've been putting him in daycare more often so I want to make it my goal to not let having a dog limit us in the new year.

maybe this year will be better than the last

I always loved the song "A Long December" by the Counting Crows even though it's kind of depressing and mellow.  This morning I am having a tough time remembering that this year is better than the last.  Grief has a funny way of sneaking up on you at times and since yesterday ended up being a bit of a disaster, I'm having a really hard time remembering why I didn't just buy plane tickets to run the half marathon in Las Vegas with part of our running group.  I know I didn't want to spend the money but it probably would have been a way better way to spend my birthday and today.  Ug.  I hate looking back and having regret over decisions.

Three hundred and sixty five days ago, I was waiting for the phone call from my dad to tell me that my precious Grandmother had passed away.  The night before had been a really fitful night of sleep because when we talked before bed, he had told me it would be soon.  It wasn't long after the sun came up that the call came and I'm not sure if he said much more than "She's gone".  Adam and I packed our things, headed to O'Hare and were in San Antonio in time for dinner.  I remember walking into the restaurant to a big table of our family and realizing that she wasn't ever going to be sitting at the table with us again.  Despite it being awful at times, a lot of our family came down from Boston and so many of my friends showed up to the services to support me.

My nanny job in Chicago had ended right before all of this and I remember feeling so awful, I had nothing to return to.  I knew I wouldn't find a job during the holidays but my dad made me leave San Antonio, which was the best decision for both of our sanity.  We could have easily sat around all day wallowing in grief.  She was such a key person in both of our lives, for our entire lives, that it was incredibly difficult to imagine going on without that.  Even today, I really can't believe it's been an entire year.  On the one hand, it seems like only yesterday that we sat across from her at her dining room table but on the other, it feels like so much has happened that she wasn't here for.

It's not a maybe, it's definitely this year is better than the last.  I had no direction in my life last year and I was sitting in the middle of some really heavy depression.  This year, I know where my outlets are to release my feelings and I can write a post like this (shedding a few tears, of course) but it won't drag down my entire day.  Just typing these words is a sort of therapy for me.  I can sit here this morning, have my own personal remembrance and be sad, for just a little while.   My grandmother was not the type of person who would let me sit and be wallowing for very long.

We didn't do any family readings at her services, which was a good thing, since the pastor called up all the grandchildren (not part of the plan, GAH!) at the rosary (was it a rosary? I can't even remember now) just after I'd had my moment where I just lost my shit.  There is no better way to put it, I was sitting with my cousins, Adam, mom and brother since my dad was with all his brothers and sisters and Grandpa in the front row and I just had a meltdown and then, not two seconds later, the pastor calls all of us up.  I'm at least 99% sure that I had snot and tears everywhere when we had to go up there (I almost didn't go, seriously, it was that bad).  So all of that to say that even though I wanted to read something, it's almost certain that I wouldn't have been able to get through it.  If I had read something, my first choice would have been the e.e. cummings poem:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

After the service, I went up to her casket with the poem on a cell phone to read it to her in my own

personal moment.  It ended up being better that way, I think.  And the story of how awful I was when

we had to go up in front of everyone is a funny memory for me.  If she were still around, that is

definitely something that we would have laughed about together, in one of those "remember when..."

stories.  Before we moved here, I knew I wanted to have a part of the poem up in our house.  I ordered it

in August, and finally remembered to get a frame for it last week and Adam put it up on Friday night

right by my side of the bed.  I do always carry her heart with me, not just today, on this solemn

anniversary, but always.