Anxiety

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant, it was like a switch inside me went off and I started to become more like my mother.  I used to think it was so funny that she worried about ever-y-thing and now the joke is most definitely on me.  I worried because my only pregnancy symptom at the beginning was period-like cramps and that they made me come in for an exam and an early ultrasound to make sure I wasn't either miscarrying or having an ectopic pregnancy.  I've worried about Owen dying before being born countless times, with the most recent gripping fears coming this week when he was having a lazier than normal day.  I worry about his kidneys, I worried when they told us that they were a soft marker for Downs, I worry that he's too big for my body to handle, the list of worries regarding him goes on and on.  The worst part is that I worry about how much I'm worrying and he's not even born yet!  Damn it.  The mother's curse.

As I said, he had a particularly lazy day on Monday.  Adam's busiest time at work is right now and he's been out of town for almost every weeknight during March so far.  He's actually been out of town almost enough nights to earn gold member status for his hotel points this year and it's not even half way through the third month of the year.   I'm not normally afraid to be at home alone (while I'm not in love with it) but the fact that we had a backyard raccoon invasion last week that tormented Higgins and I combined with a murder of an elderly widow in her home only two blocks away over the weekend that was all over the news this week had me a little spooked.  When you add that to the fact that I'm already getting up anywhere from 5-10 times a night to use the bathroom, I've not been feeling so great and humanly with the lack of sleep.  Owen is normally insanely active and when I struggled to get him to move around on Monday, my mind went in a million different directions and 999,999 of them weren't good places to go.  I think the lack of sleep goes a long way to explain the heightened anxieties but it doesn't help that the already Crazy Dog has been extra neurotic of late with Dad's travel schedule, Mom's giant belly and the middle room being flipped upside down in preparation for the baby.  He spent a solid hour pacing the house on Monday night as though there were someone outside.  We made a fabulous pair, Neurotic Dog and Anxious Me.

I'm also wrapping up work on Sunday and teaching my last two yoga classes next week, and while this is a very, very good thing, it's also a huge life change for me at a point where I'm grabbing for any strings of normalcy before Owen's arrival.  To add into the mix, we have our appointment with the perinatologist tomorrow for what we're not sure will be the last ultrasound of his kidneys before birth or not.  Since we started this process, they've mentioned over and over this is our time that we'll be recommended to the pediatric urologist but we haven't really discussed what exactly that means or what our next steps might be with either him or the perinatology team.  I don't have particular anxiety about the appointment but I am stewing over what kind of answers we might or might not get tomorrow.  I'm also nervous that he'll continue to be a giant baby in there, which may lead us down some different roads than expected.

While I'm being all poopy and venty, I might as well also include that I mostly feel like first trimester icky now.  It's not nearly as bad but I am back to the world of getting sick multiple times a day and the worst part is that I have regained my previous aversion to coffee, such sadness!! This time is easier though because I already went through the never ending 22 week all-day every day sickness but also because I know how close we are to the finish line and to me regaining my body back from the hormone shitshow.  HORRAY for pregnancy.  I have no idea how people do this more than one time.

To end on positive and non-anxious notes, I'm still working out.  Pilates has been my pregnancy godsend, and while I have to modify lots of it at this point, I'm still able to rock out a good portion of the classes.  Prenatal yoga gets more relaxing as I get more uncomfortable.  Every day is a day closer to holding that sweet boy and we are both really excited about that.  Being done with work means being home more and will give us some stability that we haven't had with our schedules in the last year and a half.  I'm also going to take up some water aerobics classes in these last weeks for fun!  And I have a few more weeks to be totally gluttonous without feeling terrible about myself.  WOO HOO!