Feelings

I'm still working on Owen's birth story.  It was easily the most powerful experience I've ever had so actually writing it down from start to finish has been emotional and really tough.

The amount of hormones still working their way through my body makes me struggle to get through the days sometimes.  He's doing well but doesn't love to sleep in his crib at night so Adam and I are playing around with different things until we find a solution that works for us and allows us to get some much needed rest.  With Owen being born just after 3:00 a.m. and me basically not sleeping for around 36 hours, it set me back a lot on sleep when we got home.  I'm just now starting to have days where I feel human again and not like a total zombie.  After bad nights, I spend most of the day falling apart and I started feeling feverish and awful on Monday night, I think due to some engorgement.  My body has been through the ringer and it's taking longer for some parts (my ribs and back, strong little baby!) to heal than I expected.  If I forget to take my ibuprofen, I'm miserable.  But OH HOW WONDERFUL IT IS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE IBUPROFEN FREELY AGAIN, my friends.

I catch myself near tears at least 15 times a day when I remember something from when I was pregnant.  It's not that I miss one second of being pregnant, but I do miss some of the freedoms that came from not being a mother.  I'll never get another minute to not worry about Owen's well-being.  I get nostalgic when I think of what life was like when it was just Adam and I.  I would never trade this for the world but sometimes I have to catch my breath when I have a moment thinking about the days leading up to our hospital stay.  The last things we did to prepare to meet our son.  The feelings we felt both then and now about this entire experience.  It's been the biggest life change that either one of us will ever have and sometimes I struggle with the magnitude of it and just how different my life was only 9 days ago.

Oddly enough, being pregnant was both the most uncomfortable I've ever been physically but the most comfortable I've ever been with my body mentally.  It was so weird to not have to suck in my stomach to hide my chub when my belly first popped.  I didn't really gain a ton of weight until the very end since I was so sick for so long.  I was able to eat whatever I wanted mostly judgement free.  It was such a strange experience for someone that has struggled with body issues for so long.  I'm still adjusting to my post-pregnancy self but I have to say that other than my boobs being ridiculously big and hurting, my body has bounced back better than I ever could have imagined.  I still have some weight to lose but I don't feel as hideous as I thought I would.  I packed away the vast majority of my maternity clothes today, most likely never to be worn again.  Weird.  I sometimes have feelings about that.  I am relatively certain that Owen is it for us but it does feel odd that I'll never share that special time with Adam and another child.  I hated pregnancy with a fiery passion- why is it that I feel such weird nostalgia?

Mostly my heart has just grown and it takes lots of tears to accommodate that extra love.  I always thought that I had the perfect relationship and marriage for me before but I never could have imagined what the last nine months and Owen's birth would do for my love for Adam.  I worried needlessly that Owen would change things between the two of us but it's only changed them for the better.  I never knew just how strong a rock he was for me to lean on until now.  As for Owen, I see a little more of myself in him every day.  When he was born, all I could see was Adam's face with my nose.  I see some of the stubbornness that he inherits from me already starting when it's bedtime, although he is physically so much of his father's child.  It still overwhelms me that we have a son.  That we created him together.  That my body grew his body and that he turned out so perfectly for us.  I know all babies do but he really does look like a little angel when he's sleeping.  As much as I love him now, I can't wait to see who he becomes.