healing

I touched on it briefly in the last post, but I am realizing I use the word journey an awful lot when I refer to the job hunt process.  In my mind, this has been an epic journey of extreme highs and lows.  I can remember being so mad after my grandmother died and probably saying to Adam in a fit of anger something to the effect of, "Well, there's no point in trying to move back home now."  (I was really mature in handling my grief.  NOT.)  It's been an Oregon Trail for the two of us and I have wanted, countless times, to just give up and quit everything here and start over down there.  Luckily, I have a much more sensible partner who wanted to do everything he could to do this the "right way".  Mainly by having a job and a money source before we moved.

I was angry at Adam and various companies and most of all God, so many times during this process.  Oh, I was also angry at my dad a lot.  If I heard one more "it's only money" in relation to the condo sales process, I thought I'd probably lose my mind and need to be committed.  All I'm trying to say is that this entire (there's the word again) journey was really damn hard for me and us.  I feel pretty grateful to have reached this point with about 90% of my sanity still in tact (see, I haven't gone completely new age-y).

During all my reflections, and I've been reflecting a hell of a lot, I have come to believe that we were both in need of time to heal.  Adam might want to elaborate more on what the healing has meant for him, but for me, it's been learning to deal with sad things and move past them.  Instead of taking on my own personal grief and the grief of others and holding on to it for inordinate amounts of time (inordinate, say like 22 years of being sad about something that happened when I was 7).  I was meant to learn from Adam what a good thing therapy could be for me.  I only went to three sessions before yoga school took over my free time, but in conjunction with that, I know that it put me on a jumpstart to being able to move on from pain.

I was obviously meant to do this yoga program.  I wavered so. darn. much. about signing up because I was worried I'd get halfway through the program and Adam would have to leave and I'd be stuck here selling the condo by myself.  Naturally, when he went to interview in Dallas my first weekend of classes, I about lost my mind as all my dream (really, nightmare) scenarios were coming to fruition.  I had no idea it would be another 4 weeks before he would get an offer, thankfully.

I mentioned it yesterday, but we did collaborate on a Chicago Bucket List of mostly restaurants we've been meaning to try or really want to revisit just once more before we leave.  Having the next 2 months to accomplish those things is a blessing.  I think it will give us just enough time to knock most of them out (and we're making a big dent this weekend, since I'm off from lectures and clinics).  I'm able to see this city in a new way again and appreciate it more, instead of being angry that I'm stuck here.  The fact that it's summer and the weather has been fairly decent has a lot to do with that I'm sure.  I used to have a tab on my old blog that was titled "Things I love about Chicago" and I used to fill it up, it was a huge part of how I used to write.  I feel like I'll be able to think about and talk about Chicago from a place of love again this summer, our last summer here.

I didn't mention much about it yesterday but I am just so lucky to have Adam in my life.  When I was reading what this company had offered him, I was so proud.  I've known all along that he deserves better than what he has and to hear that there are others who feel the same way makes me so happy for him.  I hope with all my heart that he finds happiness (as much as you possibly can at work) in this new position.  We are fairly certain he's not going to be bored!  When he puts his mind to things (and sometimes getting his mind there takes a tiny bit of prodding), he is the most meticulous and thourough person I know.  For example, when he's assembling anything around the house, he reminds me so much of my dad (even though they have vastly different personalities) because he becomes this determined perfectionist.  I can only imagine how that translates to his work life because the things that he's doing are so detailed.  I know he will be successful, I just hope that he gets what he wants out of this new position and new lifestyle.

Mostly, I've been feeling fairly "healed" lately.  As much as I'd like to be, I am not done with sorrow or despair.  I know we'll have more negative things cross our path in this life, but this year and this journey has given me some of the tools to be better equipped for the next time.  I had to take charge of my own mental healing before I could be ready to cross over to the other side.