Tuesday, December 20, 2011

and this is why you should set goals.

In October, we were riding in the car, which at the time was HORRIFICALLY uncomfortable for me because sitting hurt my low back so badly.  I was in treatment at the chiropractor and miserable about it.  I told Adam that my goal was to get better by my birthday (Dec. 5th) because I didn't want to start year 30 with a hurty back.

He told me I was crazy and that setting a goal like that wasn't smart because I can't control my body and the healing process.

Obviously, I told him I thought that was dumb.  But at the time, I didn't have any reasoning behind it.  Now, after rehabilitating to the point where I think I'm at about 98% (every now and then I'll feel a little twinge but it's nothing like the 24 hour a day pain I was having for so long), I can say that he was completely and unequivocally wrong.

The body responds when you have a goal and a timeline.  My goal was in such a tight timeline that it convinced me to seek out physical therapy and find doctors and a PT that were more in line with my body philosophy, rather than wasting thousands of dollars getting "stretched out" on a chiropractic table. It helped me to get back into my yoga practice and to use it in more of a healing way.  I'm no medical professional but I think a lot of pain is your mind's reaction to what the body is feeling.  By taking a more proactive approach to the pain and healing, it was much easier to deal with and eventually recover. If I hadn't set my own timeline and goal, I'd probably still be visiting the chiropractor three times a week and feeling miserable.

Even if December 5th had come and gone and I were still having issues, it would have been okay!  It's fine to occasionally not meet a goal.  The point is to strive for the impossible and to dream big.  No offense, husband, but I'm glad that I didn't let you discourage me in this case.  Having a positive attitude and my own deadline was precisely what I needed.

Monday, December 19, 2011

out with the old and in with the new

I've been awful about visiting this space lately!  It's been busy- I have been extremely full-time lately, teaching extra classes and picking up extra hours all over the place- and fitting in half marathon training (we have about a month and 10 days until our half in Austin), blogging, reading blogs and other free time pursuits have gone by the wayside.  My yoga practice is very heavily neglected right now.  But it's good.  It's awesome to look down at my watch and see that it's already December 19th.  I'd rather time fly by than to be bored.

I've been goal coached by several people lately, which is really fun and I think anyone can be a goal coach.  Sometimes you just need someone else to read what you put down on paper and have them tell you that they know you can dream a little bit bigger.  It's encouraging and I'm also learning that it's ok to not meet some of my goals on my timeline, the just writing it down and then taking the act of "going for it" is part of the bigger picture.

For 2012:

I will run a half marathon in under 2:00.  I figured out that I'd need to be a little under 9:15 miles to do so, which I think is in my reach.  Just finding the time to train hard for it is going to be the challenge.

I will develop my yoga practice enough to hold peacock pose (see picture in a previous post, it's redonkulous) for five breaths.

I will be a key leader on the leadership team at work.  This was a really tough one for me, I am really scared about the money handling and closing/opening the store but I know that I'll be trained to do so before the time actually comes to do it on my own.  Why not see where I can go in my career for now?
I will find another place to teach yoga and add another class to my week.

I will either run another full marathon or complete a Crossfit on ramp program, which will also tie into my goal to lose weight/inches.  If I do the marathon, my plan would be to attend Crossfit WODs twice a week for cross training.  I don't want to do the Paleo diet, but I do want to modify what I'm eating because I don't think it's working for me.

I will plan an awesome vacation for Adam and I.*

I will say yes to more and just DO things in 2012.*

*The last two are a little ambiguous still but after reviewing 2011, I feel like I spent a big portion of the year saying no to things.  We spent the first 6-7 months of the year saying no because we had no idea when or if a job offer would come and if we'd be moving from Chicago.  The rest of the year was spent in so much transition that we said no to a few more things (both big and small) and I was concerned about money when I wasn't working for so long.  We will hopefully continue to have job stability for 2012 and we both work hard enough to take a nice vacation.  When I look back at this year, I have no regrets and I am really grateful that I said yes to the biggest thing I did this year (yoga teacher training) but even that severely limited me for most of the summer and didn't allow me to do as much outside of it as I would have liked to.  Having Higgins has also given us some pause in doing a few things here in Dallas.  We've been putting him in daycare more often so I want to make it my goal to not let having a dog limit us in the new year.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

maybe this year will be better than the last

I always loved the song "A Long December" by the Counting Crows even though it's kind of depressing and mellow.  This morning I am having a tough time remembering that this year is better than the last.  Grief has a funny way of sneaking up on you at times and since yesterday ended up being a bit of a disaster, I'm having a really hard time remembering why I didn't just buy plane tickets to run the half marathon in Las Vegas with part of our running group.  I know I didn't want to spend the money but it probably would have been a way better way to spend my birthday and today.  Ug.  I hate looking back and having regret over decisions.

Three hundred and sixty five days ago, I was waiting for the phone call from my dad to tell me that my precious Grandmother had passed away.  The night before had been a really fitful night of sleep because when we talked before bed, he had told me it would be soon.  It wasn't long after the sun came up that the call came and I'm not sure if he said much more than "She's gone".  Adam and I packed our things, headed to O'Hare and were in San Antonio in time for dinner.  I remember walking into the restaurant to a big table of our family and realizing that she wasn't ever going to be sitting at the table with us again.  Despite it being awful at times, a lot of our family came down from Boston and so many of my friends showed up to the services to support me.

My nanny job in Chicago had ended right before all of this and I remember feeling so awful, I had nothing to return to.  I knew I wouldn't find a job during the holidays but my dad made me leave San Antonio, which was the best decision for both of our sanity.  We could have easily sat around all day wallowing in grief.  She was such a key person in both of our lives, for our entire lives, that it was incredibly difficult to imagine going on without that.  Even today, I really can't believe it's been an entire year.  On the one hand, it seems like only yesterday that we sat across from her at her dining room table but on the other, it feels like so much has happened that she wasn't here for.

It's not a maybe, it's definitely this year is better than the last.  I had no direction in my life last year and I was sitting in the middle of some really heavy depression.  This year, I know where my outlets are to release my feelings and I can write a post like this (shedding a few tears, of course) but it won't drag down my entire day.  Just typing these words is a sort of therapy for me.  I can sit here this morning, have my own personal remembrance and be sad, for just a little while.   My grandmother was not the type of person who would let me sit and be wallowing for very long.

We didn't do any family readings at her services, which was a good thing, since the pastor called up all the grandchildren (not part of the plan, GAH!) at the rosary (was it a rosary? I can't even remember now) just after I'd had my moment where I just lost my shit.  There is no better way to put it, I was sitting with my cousins, Adam, mom and brother since my dad was with all his brothers and sisters and Grandpa in the front row and I just had a meltdown and then, not two seconds later, the pastor calls all of us up.  I'm at least 99% sure that I had snot and tears everywhere when we had to go up there (I almost didn't go, seriously, it was that bad).  So all of that to say that even though I wanted to read something, it's almost certain that I wouldn't have been able to get through it.  If I had read something, my first choice would have been the e.e. cummings poem:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

After the service, I went up to her casket with the poem on a cell phone to read it to her in my own
personal moment.  It ended up being better that way, I think.  And the story of how awful I was when
we had to go up in front of everyone is a funny memory for me.  If she were still around, that is
definitely something that we would have laughed about together, in one of those "remember when..."
stories.  Before we moved here, I knew I wanted to have a part of the poem up in our house.  I ordered it
in August, and finally remembered to get a frame for it last week and Adam put it up on Friday night
right by my side of the bed.  I do always carry her heart with me, not just today, on this solemn
anniversary, but always.