Friday, March 4, 2011

finding hope

A little about me:  for some reason, God gave me the ability to feel in an exaggerated way.  I feel sorry for Adam being married to me because it must be like a horrific emotional roller coaster all the time, but I don't know any other way to be.  When good stuff is going down, it's almost like I'm on a high and so overjoyed.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, I get really upset (really easily).  I don't think I'm usually angry/mad/sad for very long but I'm sure for anyone around me that I make things totally miserable.

Lately, my roller coaster has had quite a few more lows than highs.  This winter has been hard on me.  I don't remember feeling quite so terrible in January but on the first and second days of February, we got a little snowstorm that was nothing I've ever seen.  

This was our street for two days after it was all over.  It looks really pretty here thanks to my Instagram app but walking in that (and piles of that) for days really sucked.  And it wasn't always so sunny and bright.  Most days here are actually pretty cold and grey.  I've learned I don't do so well with cold and grey all the time.  I supposed if I'd lived here my entire life and never known anything else, I would think nothing of it.  But I miss my Texas-style "winters".

Mostly, I miss Texas.  I miss having a car and being able to go places on my own terms.  I miss having slightly more space than we currently do.  I miss having a big kitchen to feed my creativity.  I mostly miss my family.  My grandmother's illness and passing have completely knocked the wind out of me and I find that I am grieving more now than I did at the time.  I wish I had the ability to go home on my own terms all the time (pass traveling on United or Southwest is not on my own terms, it's completely risky to go to San Antonio on a regular basis when you have a job to be at on Monday at 4:45 am).

We made the decision to ultimately move back to Texas before we got engaged, we just had a longer timeline.  So many things changed for us in 2010, I feel much closer to my family and more connected to them than I ever have.  Isn't it sad how death and illness is what changes that, often times?  However we all got there, I am finding myself lonely without them.  The phone and Facebook help but it's not the same as being at a birthday dinner on a weekend that we could probably go to if we lived within driving distance.  I also want that for our future kids to be near to their extended family and especially their grandparents.  I was blessed with three living grandparents when I was born and I know that I had a special relationship with each one of them.  I hope that is in the future for my parents and in-laws.

Unfortunately, deciding that we want to move has been the most stressful and difficult decision that I have ever been a part of.  I have made three big moves before (SA-St. Louis, SA-DC, DC-Chicago) and it was so easy then!  I had a job or job transfer, loaded my stuff into my VUE (RIP sweet car) and did it. Our situation is so much more complicated now.  We have a condo to sell (more on that tomorrow), Adam needs to find a job that he will be happy at, we have to find a place to live and purchase at least one automobile.  It's complicated!  Many of the circumstances we have been faced with so far have been horribly hard.  I'm honest and I don't always (ok, never) handle it well.  I am impatient and living in complete limbo is hard.  I want to have things figured out and be in process of getting there now.

Selling the condo is going to be like going to the doctor and taking the longest, most painful shot ever.  (I hate shots.)  Like a several months long shot.  And right now, I feel like I am anticipating the shot, which is usually way worse than actually going through it, right?  I wish I weren't this way, feeling things as strongly and intensely as I do, but I suppose that now is the time to just embrace it, deal with it and move on.

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